” I dunno, dude. I dunno. Is she cute?” I asked.

” I think she is. Why don’t you check out her myspace page?” EvilNakedBaby responded.

He sent me over the link via IM and I acted like a pathetic online stalker wanting to take a peak into someone’s personal digital life. Who was this girl and why did EvilNakedBaby and Veronica want me to meet her so badly? Not certain. But just because I was in ‘available’ mode at the time did not mean any girl will easily please the complicated me. Still, curiosity caught up to me and I had a desire to know more about this Selena girl even though I was quite happy being a single individual.

I viewed her profile. Her profile pic was that of a cute Viet girl. I’ll be honest. Not bad. But first impression of her profile was that of annoyance. In addition to her pic she had cute little shit images here and there. Kinda San Rio. Kinda just gay. Kinda the type of images that pussies get tattooed on their bare bellies while sipping pink lemonade. That type of cute I was done running into.

I dug deeper into her myspace profile. In particular her photos. Among the images I came upon were some of her posing with some import cars. Rice rockets. Some of her sitting in the driver’s seat. Other pics of her standing next to them. Nothing import model like. But still, I’m not into that scene nor will I ever be. A car is a simple machine to me. If it gets me to point A to point B, I’m happy camper. Just because I’m Asian does not mean I’m automatically adopted into the import car scene. Fuck that.

” Sorry dude. Not my type of girl. “

” Come on. Veronica already got her to come out tonight. Just meet us at Hooters. Just for dinner. If you don’t like her then that is that. Promise.”

EvilNakedBaby and I went back and forth for ten minutes. I even got a call from Veronica to convince me to meet up with them and Selena. I knew the whole purpose of the evening was for the two of us to meet and get to know each other. It was a really nice gesture from EvilNakedBaby and Veronica and I appreciate the possible hook up. I also realized I’ve probably made some immature assumptions on a stupid myspace profile. She may actually be a cool person with interesting stories and conversation. She may actually dig the same odd movies and music as I. She just may be a good fit for me and I wouldn’t truly know it unless I met her in person.

” Ok. I’ll meet you guys at Hooters. BUT I will go meet with coworkers for drinks at a bar right next to Hooters before hand. I’ve already made that engagement. Then I will meet this Selena girl.”

As soon as the work day ended, Happy Hour began and everyone in my work headed to the bar. I grabbed my favorite drinking hat, the scali cap, and met with everyone else. Then we fueled ourselves with liquor, beer, and anything else that intoxicated the mind. We laughed.No one cried. I looked at Christian and wanted to kick his fuckin ass but didn’t. I hate that guy. He is a douche. Love the hat

The ring leader of everyone for the night was a gentleman named Erlend. He was the VP of the company I worked for. He was a programmer, a very smart guy, a Norwegian, and the heaviest drinker I have ever come across. I have yet to come across anyone with a tolerance like his. A normal order would be a tall glass filled half way with ice and to the top with Johnny Walker Black Label. Sometimes 4 tall glasses in a given evening to please the man. But that’s just how he was. He was Norwegian and Norwegians can fuckin drink. In Norway the ladies give a natural birth in a bath full of vodka. In addition, Erlend also resembled the character Newman from Sienfield and was a gay. I always suspected he wanted me to put out my ass for him but I was always good at dodging his .57 Magnum.

Let’s get this clear. I am not gay nor am I a homophobe. Thank you.

My drink for the evening was Johnny Walker Black Label as well but in a smaller form. A smaller glass for the smaller guy. My plan was to drink just enough for a decent buzz, hang out with the coworkers, then meet this Selena girl. Thus, everyone was happy including me.

My phone rang.

” Dude, we’ll be at Hooters in 5 minutes. You’ll be there, right?” EvilNakedBaby said.

” Yup. Sounds good.”

I hung up the phone and walked up to Erlend. Told him I was making an exit stage left.

” What? You can’t be leaving just yet. Oh no. You have another drink. What could be better than hanging out with us?”

I explained the setup and the kind gesture from my friends to the man who so desperately wanted my company for the evening. But Erlend being gay and wanting to take advantage of my drunken ass can make everything roll his way somehow. He took my favorite scali cap and would not give it back. It was a childish action but at the same time working. Selena or not, I don’t dare to leave without my scali cap.

The waitress came by and Erlend demanded her to get me another glass of Johnny Walker Black Label. Being a lush I’m such a sucker for free drinks.

The phone goes off and it was an irate EvilNakedBaby.

“Where the hell are you? We’ve been waiting 20 minutes.”

I told him the VP took my scali cap and I don’t go anywhere without it. EvilNakedBaby told me to forget about it and that it was just a stupid cap. He also said it made me look like a newsie kid and I should deliver newspapers.

Fuck you, EvilNakedBaby.

It’s not just a stupid cap. It is thee fuckin cap. It’s my fuckin cap. And I like to drink when wearing my fuckin cap.

I hung up the phone and had to make a restroom visit. Due to my drunken state the trip took 20 minutes. Unknown as to why. It just did. I think I got lost for bit. But that is what happens sometimes when liquor flows through the mind like a flowing river and there are those riding the currents.

My phone rang again.

” Dude. I was just at the bar. Where the hell are you? I went up to your VP I think. He looked at me funny and said you weren’t here. I was pretty certain he was lying to me. I also think I saw him sitting on that stupid cap of yours. “

I was confused. What the hell was going on? I always end learning the hard way the dangers of drinking recklessly and out of control.

I returned to the table of the other fellow drunks and sat next to Timmah who was having an awesome time to himself. Smoking a stogie in one hand and a Long Island Ice Tea in the other. Before me was another drink ordered by the infamous Erlend. Grinning he did a hand gesture for me to drink up.

” Erlend. I really really got to go. My friends are pissed at me. And this girl I’ve never met probably has little hope in me being a good guy. You want to ruin my good name?”

I tried to give the puppy dog sad look but instead a bloodshot drunken mess was upon me. There was no helping it. I was a horrid car accident.

” After that last drink. Then you can go. “

Then my scali cap was suddenly sitting next to me. A promise is a promise. A drank my final drink, said my good byes, and exited the bar. It was time to meet up with EvilNakedBaby and Veronica. It was time to meet Selena for the first time.

Via the phone ” We’re done eating fool. We’re not at Hooters anymore but the bowling ally next door. Good job for showing up for dinner. Are you going to meet us there?”

I stumbled into the bowling ally yet I tried to keep my cool. Fueled with the Black Label I look around with my drunken eyes. Nothing but bodies everywhere going in every direction. It made me dizzy a bit. Then I saw EvilNakedBaby. Arms waving for me, I continued my stumble into his direction. I whispered in his ear.

“Dude, I am fucked up. I think this was a bad idea.”

“Man… You smell really really bad. Like a bottle was poured all over you.”

” You got any gum?”

“I don’t think gum will help.”

Just then Veronica and Selena appeared to our sides. I turned to the both of them with a horrible look on my face that only liquor can produce. I introduced myself as best as I could.

“You must be Selena. Nice to meet you.”

A wave of my whiskey scented cologne slammed into her face. She turned her head to get some fresh air.

An discomforting feeling came over me. Immediately I could tell my first impression was a really bad one. I ruined my chances already for missing dinner. But I just slit the throat of the cow at a slaughter house when showing up really late and wasted beyond repair. In addition, I can feel the disappointing stares of EvilNakedBaby and Veronica. Especially coming from Veronica. It was her friend. Her plan. I’m sure she expected us to go on a few dates, maybe fall in love, and live as a happy couple. But I was almost certain all those thoughts and dreams were off. It didn’t matter though. Nor did I care too much. I was beyond caring. I just wanted to carry on the night and remain single. Fuck import cars. That’s what I told myself. Fuck import cars. Like a true gentleman I wasn’t I asked:

” Who wants a drink? My treat.”

Everyone said no.

I took off to the bar and ordered myself a whiskey and coke. I then went into make small chat with Selena. Uninterested and 10 minutes into our lame conversation she gets a phone call.

” Hey. My brother just called. I got to go and help him with something.”

How convenient. But it was deserved. Well deserved. But again, I didn’t care.

She said her goodbye to everyone and left in hurry. EvilNakedBaby and Veronica was then left with intoxicated me sipping on my final drink for the night.

” Sooooooo… You guys hungry? Because I can’t drive and in dire need of some food. “

EvilNakedBaby and Veronica were nice enough to accompany me to Bennigans. They sat across from me as I attempted to sober up to a deep fried fatty monte cristo sandwich.

Selena and I never crossed paths after that night. In addition, EvilNakedBaby and Veronica never attempted to hook me up with anyone else again.

Tags: bennigans, blind date, christian, date, dinner, drunk, erlend, gum, happy hour, hooters, import cars, johnny walker black label, monte cristo sandwich, myspace, newman, newsie, norway, norwegian, scali cap, selena, timmah, wasted, whiskey